linga longa - a secret joke of the double meaning

  it was in pambula on the far south coast of new south wales, that my friends bob of canberra  and rakesh of fiji in a car and i was on a motorbike following a couple of kilometres behind, and that as i approached the bridge a kilometre south of the town, the car had stopped and rakesh was taking pictures of bob posing in front of the road sign 'yowaka river'…i asked bob what gives?…'don't you get it?' he pointed to the big sign with a cheeky grin…well i haven't exactly been living the sheltered life of a frog under a coconut shell, the malay used to say: 'yowaka' does sound like a  favourite aussie catchphrase 'you wanker' given usually in a jokey way to friends and foes who're up themselves…

…and that brings me to another curious river-name sign…and this one's about five kilometres or so before you go up the brown mountain from the tiny town of bembooka on the eastern side of the great dividing range…and the sign says 'nunnock river'…now 'nunnock' sounds a lot like a very rude malay vernacular the equivalent of 'cunt'…my elderly egyptian lecturer, dr. el erian, who taught us arabic at the canberra college of advanced education (now university of canberra) once told the story that before he first went to england to study, he made an effort, first and foremost, to learn every filthy words and rude gestures the english locals might throw at him…in that same fun spirit i would suggest you equip yourself with some of these colourful malaysian terms if ever you decide to embark on a west-malaysia tour so you know where you sit among the hospitable locals and can join in…now i say west malaysia because i've never been to the eastern part of my country of birth…the two parts are separated by the vast south china sea and are very very different in terms of people, cultures, land, food, flora & fauna, etc…they probably have their own separate set of dirty terms...

...one east malaysian from sarawak divulged to me a name they call the west malaysians: 'lipas' which means 'cockroach' describing the creeping about of the mostly military men sent by kuala lumpur...

  to friends who tell me of their planning to holiday in malaysia, my first reaction is 'don't go there'…understandably they're a bit surprised at this seemingly atypical discouragement but, i tell them, the last time i went back there in '88, my mother country didn't impress and in fact i hated that it wasn't as i remembered it before i left for england in '75…it was hot and sticky and the mosquitoes as big as your head, the swarm i mean, bugged me a lot...they are rampant and dominant now that their predators have severely been reduced due to the fact that natural habitats have been replaced by miles and miles of palm oil trees and highways…which also add to the country's increased temperatures...those critters are out to murder you…fair enough that you can closet in air-conditioned cars or condos, but most houses there do not know the meaning of fly screens…the locals don't even sleep under mosquito nets anymore…tough, used to it, immune to mozzie-borne diseases, plain blasé, or simply idiocy, call what you will…if the pesky mozzies don't get you, those smoky mosquito coils surely will...my family and friends found it bemusing that i carried a portable one-man mosquito net wherever i went up and down the peninsula visiting my nine brothers and sisters…so there is a place far worse than queensland where the mozzies are in australia...

  elsewhere in this blog i posted the malay word 'mat (pronounced 'mutt') saleh' which is a real malay name for a male person but by which the locals may also refer to you if you are white…it is not a rude word, just a generic term, a corruption of 'mad sailor'…then there are the usual list of swear-words: 'pantat' (vagina), 'koteh' or 'chuni' or 'lanchau' or 'konek' (penis), 'chelaka' (damn you), 'mampos' (death to you), 'la'nat' (curse on you), 'anak lahabaw' (sonnofabitch)…funny enough i can't, for the light of me, think of a malay word equivalent to 'fuck you'…perhaps we haven't advanced that far yet haha…or we might even use the popular english version albeit in the local brogue...

…then there are gestures…when sitting on the floor, which may happen on many occasions, the height of rudeness is to show the soles of your feet to people, socks or no socks - for a man, sit cross-legged, or if it is too uncomfortable, do what the woman do - tuck them under you, that is sit on them or bend your knees to the side…and walk in front of people sitting on the floor with your hunched bowing posture all the way until you've passed through…always pass or receive things with your right hand and if you have to point to someone, use your right-hand thumb please…

  there are place-names around here on the south coast i could've sworn were first coined by some intrepid malaysian indiana jones type…'bunga bunga' a beautiful greendale halfway between bermagui and tanja, means 'flowers' in bahasa…near there along that beautiful quiet road where the cows are grazing, you come across 'murrah' unintentionally meaning 'cheap'... then you find 'jellat jellat' somewhere between bega and kalaru on the breathtakingly scenic flood plain, which almost equals 'licking' in malay…

  i have been told that this is one of australian children's favourite books from four decades ago about a cute rabbit:

  now 'pookie' (or more precisely 'puki' in malay) is the height of coarseness in the malaysian vernacular, which simply means 'cunt'…in history class i remember our teacher, encik (mr.) yusof, noticeably  paused when he came across the surname of the italian explorer amerigo vespucci (which normally at that time malaysians would say vespuki...rude), and almost blushing himself brownish pink, quickly pronounced it as 'vespuchi' (as it should be accented i found out years later)…in the late '60's a movie caused quite a stir when the main character called out: 'pookie adams! pookie adams! i love you!'...then there is 'butoh' or 'bhuto' as in the japanese dance-style and benazir bhuto, the late prime minister of pakistan…'butoh' (new spelling: 'butuh') - the extreme of rudeness and insult when said to someone's face, describes the genital area... when i was a kid, the malaysian tv and radio read this famous surname of pakistani politics, at that time pertaining to benazir's dad's name, as zulfikar ali 'batto'…

...but i still don't have the heart to tell someone i know in canberra that her poodle's name is also an extremely  crude word for the genitals...

  so if you just got yourself a child or a dog, may i suggest that you also grab a booklet of 2000 names to choose from, complete with  their meanings and root-words...even that is no guarantee that we will get it right...like this guy who was named 'taragon' by his baby-boomer parents probably during the purple haziness of the late '60's ...even though it isn't particularly a rude first name, he hates it and calls himself  't'  nowadays and i don't blame the poor chap...

  one person's prose is another's imprecation you might say…but my next door neighbours' boat is painted big with the name 'cock-a-leekie' which at first i thought sounds like a very brave announcement to the whole world how those 60 year olds prefer their sex and have thus given a very rude name to their vessel even by australian boat-naming standard…until, by the grace of accident,  i come across that very same string of words in a sentence in a book by richard flanagan, titled 'wanting': 

she had stuffed the mutton with oysters, 

made sure the cock-a-leekie was just as he liked it 

and the croquettes of chicken not lacking in imagination 

and the spiky pigeon feet poking perfectly 

like winter birch trees from the top of the pie.

   i was momentarily ashamed of myself for harbouring such kinky pictures in my head of my nextdoors and their boat in the middle of the ocean...but more for my ignorance of such deliciously exotic culinary term for a scottish chicken soup... i bet tucked in the australian front yard or maybe moored in a cosy marina, there is a boat somewhere with the intricately calligraphied name 'spotted dick' painted on its side...

   thus i come around full circle back to why i began blogging these double meanings…it started when a friend volunteered to help john the local carpenter paint the sign for the house-name of a client from bingi, a beach community near congo which is near moruya…the sign reads 'linga longa'…what was she thinking, this nice old lady who commissioned the wooden plaque? perhaps naively she wants her home to say to guests: 'stay a little bit longer'…or more to my point, perhaps she, with tongue firmly in cheek, wants to convey the meaning for some ulterior tantric reason; 'linga', after all, does mean 'phallus' in the indian language …might as well put a sign up by the front gate in pink neon: 'big dongle'...

some rude place names

muff (northern ireland)

bastard (norway)

twatt (orkney, uk)

dildo (newfoundland)

wankie (zimbabwe)

climax (colorado, usa)

dong rack (thailand-cambodia border)

donk (belgium)

intercourse (pennsylvania, usa)

brown willy (cornwall, uk)

turdo (romania)

fuku (shensi, china)

wanks river (nicaragua)

shag island (indian ocean)

sexmoan (luzon, philippines)

wet beaver creek (australia)

dikshit (india)

chinaman's knob (australia)

play misty for me

brogo, 20 mins north of bega
 

oysters out of tumblers

…down at bob's oyster farm, pambula, with bob, rakesh and bob's cuz brett… oysters oysters everywhere and I don't even eat them… fasting and also I lost the taste for them for some reasons I can't figure out not so long ago, no kidding… does anyone know a cure, other than eating them, for a complete idiot not liking yummy fresh oysters straight off the water?…

...once bitten twice shy, thrice bitten...

…up at the new local produce shop in cobargo, called 'sweet home cobargo', nick the co-owner, told the story of the days he did hitchiking in malaysia…of the three races, only the indians picked him up - never the chinese or the malays…he offered no insight into this curious bit of experience... I, being a malay myself, can't give any either...the malaysian lingo for a white man is 'mat salleh', an everyday malay name which is in the case of westerners, corrupted from 'mad sailors' harking back to the days when drunk colonials were roaming the streets of the empire...nowadays we do these things in the confine of bali... but I don't think this has any bearing on why nick wasn't given lifts whilst hitching for a ride over there; I'm sure the malaysians harbour no hard feelings towards an aussie and as far as bad blood between them and the brits are concerned, they have moved on since independence 55 years ago... which got me to recall the day I found myself up close with two hitchhikers here on the coast's princes highway...

…I think it was partly because I have moved to the country, to the south coast, that  my attitude to people's sincerity  and general anxiousness to others doing you in or ripping you off has been lax to say the least… in canberra where I have lived for 30 years, you tend to get wary of people in pubs and nightclubs who try to bludge  drinks off you or even rip money off you; these bullshit artistes don't mug you or anything crass like that - they know you and you them… some have been drinking with you for yonks - no, they are more subtle than that… one comes up to me after not saying hello the whole day stuck in front of his favourite poker machine, and says that he needs to get home to get his wallet and whether I can lend him the taxi fare… and it's pretty established that lending people money in a place where there are pokies is the last place you'd expect the debt to be repaid in...another asks whether I can buy her a drink, a bottle of breezer please, thank you… and throughout the night she does her usual round of asking men around the pool table to buy her the not-so-cheap drinks… then there are the assorted sob stories from those you have known for years who tried to elicit ten or twenty dollars off you… there was a well-paid public servant working for the tax office who was always broke due to his gambling habit and who got me and others to buy him his beers though he never shouted back, got usually drunk and slept in nearby glebe park because he had no money for the cabfare home… he went to work the next day straight to the office building across from the  park bench… I have known this guy for more than ten years…

central tilba, overlooking from paradise hill

…so being at the coast my guards are naturally down… one sunny friday afternoon at the turnoff to central tilba on our way to narooma, we picked up a young couple - kylie and john… my friend the driver, had never in her entire life, ever picked up a hitchhiker as was her policy… until that day… conversation was cordial enough - they gave me a tip on where in narooma you can have a good game of pool, like at lynch's; they said they were from the town and that was where we dropped them off… as we drove off, my friend suddenly had this weird urge to check her bag lying on the backseat floor where her purse was… the $110 cash was gone… I said to her that we just put the loss down to local weekend tax… hopefully, with the $110, kylie and john would have a smashing weekend at the place to be seen in: narooma's pub-with-the-million-dollar-view…

…a proverb that is clearly not true : the best things in life are free...
...but then again if you like beautiful vista, pleasure from a hobby, 
fresh air, the sea and sand, breeze in the trees, 
love and people that you love, sound of a creek, 
rosellas in the backyard, things you love doing, 
freshly laid eggs, looking at the clouds, ...

chortle

…why do people tend to laugh when someone slips over a banana skin or has a custard pie slapped into their face?… one theory explains that these types of situations make you feel superior to other people…the person who tripped, or who received the pie, has been made to look silly and that makes you feel good… in fact, it makes you feel so good that you laugh… many jokes make you feel superior to other people… in these types of jokes, people appear stupid because they have misunderstood an obvious situation, made a stupid mistake, or have been made to look stupid by someone else… according to the superiority theory, these jokes cause you to laugh because they make you feel superior to other people… the famous philosopher, plato (427-348 bc), was one of the first people to advance the 'superiority' theory… but he was not a fan of laughter… he thought that it was wrong to laugh at the misfortune of others and that hearty laughter involved a loss of control that resulted in people appearing to be less than fully human… as a result, he urged people to refrain from laughing… jay sommers, producer of the comedy show 'green acres' said that americans are so conditioned to the laugh track that if they don't hear it they don't know it's a comedy show…

a hapless crimson rosella, got itself trapped in the chook pen for the scratch grain mix…but got itself out of the situation eventually, bega valley shire ©070812

'I laugh until it didn't hurt'…

…did you not know that… laughter can help reduce pain?… in the book, anatomy of an illness (as perceived by the patient), norman cousins described how he used laughter to overcome the pain of arthritis… cousins reported how ten minutes of laughing at marx brothers films could lead to over two hours of pain-free sleep… his experiences have now been supported by years of medical research… research with rheumatoid arthritis sufferers has shown that laughter helps relieve both the intensity of pain, and the degree to which patients find such pain bothersome (described in funes, m (2000). laughing matters: live creatively with laughter. dublin: newleaf)… but why should laughter reduce pain?… one theory concerns the link between laughter and chemistry… endorphins are a special chemical produced by our bodies to help reduce the effects of pain and handle stress… some researchers believe that laughter produces endorphins which, in turn, help to deaden the effects of pain… (lifted from laughlab: the scientific quest for the world's funniest joke. the british association for the advancement of science 2002)… so now you know...

ps. ...and years of lab research have uncovered that films involving john cleese and peter sellers are especially good at making people laugh and feel better about themselves and their lives...

potoroo palace python poo…what is it good for you?

…perusing through today's sydney morning herald (I buy only the monday issue just for the tv guide's funny movie reviews by doug anderson) i come across the headline "rodents put beppi's on 'name and shame' list"… the east sydney eatery, the oldest in the city with the same owners since 1956, has been fined $2640 after health inspectors observed rat activity on the premises…

…which reminds me about a well-known tip around here on how to deal with rat infestation… if you have already tried a mousetrap, blue cake poison, or even the hi-tech sonic repellant… you might want to try something different… my neighbour and many like him, takes in a carpet snake as boarder in his ceiling… the reptile is not venomous and the rodents merely get their lives clinically squeezed the bejeezuss out of 'em…

if you, like me, can't stand these slithering serpentines, however non-poisonous and cute they're according to friends who  incessantly try  to convert you to snakism (like trying to cure you of your fear of height)… you could try this fool-proof rat remedy - python poo

apparently those vermins couldn't stand the sight of these snake shits let alone the smell, which is, to put it mildly, phenomenal… the nice people at the potoroo palace animal sanctuary 9km  outside merimbula will let you have some python poo for free… they will be made available in spring when the pythons wake out of their hibernation - if you like you could donate a couple of dollars towards the animal charity while you're there… if you're unfamiliar with this snake do-dats, you will be informed that it stinks to high heaven… some even say they prefer the rats…

did you not know that...there are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee; of these, only 26 have been tested, and half of them caused cancer in rats...

teh tarik and other milky tales...

while ruminating, the cows get fabulous view...
princes highway, bermagui to narooma ©240612

…there is a secret around the coast concerning buying cow's milk… the real stuff, still warm … literally straight off the cows' udders... because it is not treated, it is quite illegal to buy this directly from the farmer… unless… unless...

...I remember when I was a child, after my mother had given birth to her umpteenth baby - she had borne 13 in her lifetime, an average number among mothers in the malay villages and little towns… one of my uncles sired 25 kids by his three wives - my father would get a couple of bottles of milk from the local sikh cowherder for my mother during her 44-day postnatal recuperation... this was special and we got a little taste of this amazing stuff after it had been slightly warmed on the kerosene stove... coffee sold in the town's chinese coffeeshops was usually served in thick white porcelain cup and saucer filled with half-inch of sweetened condensed milk left unstirred at the bottom of your cup - you just stir the amount of sweetness to your taste and you pour the coffee onto the saucer to cool it and you slurp from the saucer... tea, the 'teh tarik', sold from the Indian roadside 'mamak teh tarik', was also pre-sweetened with condensed tinned milk and poured from a great height into a glass to froth and cool it... however, coffee served  in homes everywhere was almost always black and pre-sugared - you wouldn't be asked how you'd like your coffee - and poured from a huge aluminium teapot... so everyday use of milk was the tinned condensed stuff whilst babies' bottles contained the powdered kind, a popular brand among families was 'dumex' made by the infamous nestlé - it was so prevalent even one of my cousins was nicknamed 'dumex' until well into his adolescence... sorry, I digressed a bit…

…and so coming back to how to get real milk around here… you can get it by asking around nicely to get yourself onto the discreet list - it took ages  to get onto this secret list:  the last owner of the house consumed raw milk… got her to divulge the name of another local woman who regularly drove to a nearby dairyfarm… understandably the farmer got a bit jittery at first when I turned up with a camera, which I always carry, to get some shots of his beautiful spread... he could be in for a fine of fifty grand no kidding...

...there is a line in a great australian movie ( "the odd angry shot" I think...?) the dairy farmer said something along the line "oh, we don't want the city folks spoilt now do we?" when referring to supplying his creamy milk to his friend, a character played by the great aussie jack thompson...

…for a dollar a litre, you turn up around the late afternoon milking time, about 5 o'clock…you don't notice the cowshit atmosphere, operate the tap yourself from the huge stainless steel cisterns while the ladies are being milked at the back… leave your money in the tin box provided, say goodbye to the farmer and away you go with your delicious loot… rest assured that you pay a dollar a litre to the farmer, whereas he gets 22 cents per litre  from the corporation that comes to collect his milk every morning...

...there's hope yet for city folks though… I never knew this in my thirty odd years  in canberra …bu t if you want raw milk you can get it quite 'openly' by going to the belconnen market… to get around the law, it is called 'bath milk' and they will sell it to you for $9 for two litres under the label cleopatra (legend has it that the famous  egyptian used to bathe in the stuff… someone told me there's an enzyme in milk that does amazing things to your skin)… enjoy… in your tea, coffee or bathtub… udderly fantastic...






...did you not know that...homo-milk is a genuine produce of canada...